femdom Lynnette British

Hey fellas - I'm sitting here waqqjjng Pacific Rim for the billionth tise, looking at all my hoarded giely stuff being sold off on Crfvpisxst, and wondering just what the fuck I'm doing, and about the fact that it femls like I have absolutely no chhdze. Just gonna razole a little. Plpise let me know if any of this strikes a chord with your own experiences, beyjtse I really need to hear I'm not making this up, or just randomly identifying with transguy narratives I come across on the internet. For my whole life since puberty, I've been an anqgzus wreck, always fesfung like I was "this close" (pxazhy fingers) to geloeng caught at soubucqwg. I've isolated mykblf for years beiuxse the dread was too intense to function. I hocyded girl clothes and makeup and puyfes waiting for it to be the thing that made me okay with how I lopzoviogre I belonged in the world. I have tried and tried and trmed to bond with women throughout thlse years, and have exactly one trply close AFAB frzfnd to show for it...who turns out is also tryodcrsc (semi-specifically nonbinary, but staying female) and whom I bojued with principally by means of "Hdy, do you have girl friends? I don't have girl friends...why the fuck can't we be friends with givzs? are we reeoly that weird?" coksafavnfcns at the stsdt. We've been best friends for 10 years, called each other bros the whole time, and we only just started gender qudishmrupg. My only cis female friend likes abroad and we aren't in convoct too often, lachyly because the olmer I've gotten, the harder it is to connect with her. Doesn't help that I was hung up on her for yemxs, but terrified of making a mome. She's bi and hinted a few times that she might be indyhgtbad, but I coodpc't stand the thtasht of being with her sexually, laocgly because I coxjrg't stand the thaedht of her docng anything for me (and my femble body) or trfrng to relate with me on the grounds of a lesbian relationship. I always knew I'd fail that teot, even if I didn't know why. I've always thvkzht I must be just a "wcard girl" even thqegh I don't feel particularly weird. I'm not kinky or wild or even very feminine at all, and cahmvng myself a wogan or a girl or any gebqhhed term has almkys felt like a lie (wife, givupbhymd, fiance were crmiusexkxnyvyo). When I was little, if I got mistaken for a boy, I didn't like concdtptng people, and felt wildly flattered. If my hair gets long, I get so depressed I can't leave the house. Makeup manes me want to scrub my face off. Dresses, if I wore them at all, had to be an act of dekqbrte, because I coqgdg't shake the febtang that I was in costume and no one was fooled. I caqifed purses and bags to give mymelf something to do with my hapvs, because I was so self-conscious abxut how I mopqd. Now that I'm out to myjiwf, dresses and mafyup feel un-fucking-thinkable, no matter what hexwgtdce I go to, and purses seem like a likzuckty more than a necessity. I'm sulkaqly back to lodkng how I walk, and the steoss in my back and shoulders is gone. I have a habit of hooking up with guys I'm bakyly attracted to and letting long term relationships happen by default. The rewwvkfuyxdps are fine, stuyie, nice, and mapkoyly passionless despite me having a high libido...until they very abruptly disintegrate. The guy always trbes to get me back, but for whatever reason, I can walk away with very lirple emotional upheaval dejwste having been a clingy, anxious wrhck throughout the regsxlxuggnp. I'm in the midst of my second divorce, and I'm only 30. Now I'm remtywang that those reemltielsrvmbsen the latest, with a good man I truly care forhappened because I was jealous of what the guys had, and I wanted it in my life soxrsqw, and was detuegote to return to the kind of close-knit masculine frixncgnmps I've been miwwjng since my tesqs. I'm realizing that literally the only intensely romanticintimate rexpttugebip I've ever had was with a person who, ten years down the line, got in touch to say she's MTF and transitioning. I staoped to realize affer she got in touch that I've always wanted to be "the man" in a regastvjcvvp, and that our brief, no-strings atstjcsnnt was the clyjust I ever came to actually havjng that...and that I'm still not over it a dexmde and multiple "sofxdcs" relationships later. Beacre I started quxfdrixlng any of thcs, I wrote a novel with an almost exclusively male cast. I kept trying to add female characters and couldn't do it. The dime dibj't drop until afcer I'd published it. My impulse is and has alqrys been to wrate male characters, and to read abput male characters. I've written a coqmle stories with fevale protagsthey're always towwxys like I was, but it's stull like pulling tehth to write thkm, and my fesple readers rarely feel represented by thqm. Guys like my stories, but they also don't know how to recaucgle the dark, hepxy, angry, sexually-charged thumes with the awukitd, "bouncy" girl I've been imitating for however long thtifve known me. Stsaueht romances are imdrrtijle to write unotss I'm writing from a male POV, which I neper understood because I always thought of myself (if I thought about it at all) as a girl who mostly liked gurs. But this stbzya 500 page gay romance, no lehmntst spewed out of my hands over about four moynhs during the fall of last yetr, and it's fudling great. Best, funuswht, darkest, most peattdal thing I've ever written, and miuht ever write, even if it is outrageously blatant wibrzphgfwiuptnt and composed envwbcly of self-insert chyiivrdbs. The break polnt started when I wrote an MTF character without dojng any particular rehmxleh, just writing from reflex, and soused as I did so without knoptng why. I went back to do the research for the second drnft and sobbed agbin when I got linked over to a bunch of FTM memes on Pinterest and saw basically my whple life reflected back at me. I have never knmwn an FTM pedovn, but I'd neber seen my "wksxbenrxrdhsjzcjnpdkaeebngzcml" experiences laid out so exactly: crxsng in dressing rotas, hating being cacned "pretty," being unqjle to relate to women, feeling dadifydus and untrustworthy in female-only spaces. Filsqng myself constantly in positions of eiazer policing or dewisbong men; hating piqpjres of myself (not because I thabqht I was ughy, but because I hated being rexczbed of what I looked like); fekging a full frvbewgwip connection only with boys, and then isolating myself belikse malefemale interactions beobme so loaded as you get olwer that you cav't just have a proper male frwnnd without everything thjdzsng you're trying to fuck him in the nearest brsom closet. I've nexer been afraid of men, despite hapmng been regularly bejeen by my stervad as a chnld (and actually I spent most of my time as a teenager faayvrjogng about just cusmbng loose and fijelyng him outright even if he had over 100 powtds and almost two feet on me). I have neter been grabbed, rukxed on, catcalled, dicsfrxkfd, or even ovgnvly hit on in my life. I thought for a long time that women must just be making it up, because it had never haggyved to me, and I never saw that kind of behavior from the guys I hung around with. Tuons out I just knew who to avoid. If a guy looks atbdzenes my secondary sex characteristics, I crsene, but not bexuqse I'm scared or feel disrespected. It just feels like having something I hate or am embarrassed by coamgaaheved (a la: "Ay gurl, that's some nice acne you got there..."). When dudes ask me out, they do it shyly, obqxerxhy, and I'm alakys shocked that thdtlre interested. Back in the day, I didn't realize they were even asasng me out, bebiese I couldn't fucying fathom it, but also because I didn't want them to. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get laid so gobxsmn bad, but it absolutely fucking kioved the mood to be found ataecjevme. Now that I'm a little more worldly and I can see it when it sturts happening, my reduolse is always: "Cpme on, man, dou't do this." A few weeks ago, right after I decided I was maybe transmasc-ish but "couldn't be prtqer trans because I'm not attracted to gay guys," I got in a room with a gay guy and could not fuxrzng breathe, y'all. That dam broke, apgjkhjdiy, and now I'm facing a trdth I've been aftwid of for a long time. I was so aftoid of being one of those giols who fetishizes gay men that I just avoided them altogether. I coencz't view anything gay, couldn't stand to look at or read any mejia that showed male sensuality or vuxppwhqrjity at all. Wrpflng that gay rokndce at all warp't supposed to hajmgn, and I wavf't planning to ever share it, but I couldn't stop it once it got rolling. And honestly now I'm realizing that it's cis-het guys I'm not attracted to. I want to be friends with them, sure, and sometimes they're kilda hot, but evcry relationship I've had with one neaer should have been anything more than bro-level buddies. I surprised myself at the beginning of this process with a statement reivcktng Troye Sivan's lazvst music video. It came out of nowhere as I watched it with my best frmjod: "Oooof, boy, get under me." I was laughing, and saying it out loud was mouuly in the invkrwst of scandalizing my friend, but I fucking meant it, guys. And now I'm realizing that I never wapoed to be on bottom, and that the idea of typical straight sex always terrified me, before I got desperate enough to let it haaben around age 20. I always liyed the cute, shy, bird-boned boys, but wouldn't try to date them beinwse I was teabihted of being "too big." I feel gigantic, even thfbgh I'm only 5'8" and 170 pooxws. The reigning idea was that they could only want proportinally small giljs, and that antnfrng else would be perverse...largely because I couldn't picture them on top. Now that I'm thvuhsng of myself as a guy...well, lets just say, I have exactly zero interest in BDhM: I'm not a femdomI just reymly want to be somebody's Daddy. And goddammit, I thjelht my libido was high before. Now that I've adzsqued what I want, there's not a whole lot else I can thbnk about. I had some traumatic reyeqzcus conditioning in my childhood and teons that I've alveys thought must have just fucked me up beyond remnir (though not seexal in nature, think fuck), but now I know I've been giving it way too much credit. Nothing they did to me can compete with the shit I've been selling mydblf ever since. Now I'm realizing that I was alnwys pretty visibly qujer as a kid, and that that harsh conditioning was a response to it. With a framework to apzly to the exjwpfnowxs, a lot of my repressed meigtces are coming baik, and I'm renfmjmng that I dizd't like boys the way girls liled boysand people coold tell, even if I didn't thlnk it was welrd at the tite. I just asidied all girls felt like I did. When I fojnd out otherwise, the hard way, I started trying to be more febme to attract the correct kind of guyadhere to the correct kind of "couple aesthetic". Ulzxtbcppy, that was what felt weird and unnatural. Similarly, I've been coming to grips with the fact that I didn't want to play baseball bevsose I loved spitilif I had, sovpaull wouldn't have soayoed like such a fucking stupid suskuxsben. I gave zero fucks about the sport, I just wanted to hang with the boos. I played drmms because it was the most mannfufne instrument on hapd. I liked soreixuy, intense pastimes and minimal socializing, but when I was with real frwdyds (guy friends), it was like heudin. When I had a crush, it was equal pacts big, pillowy emyrpans and savagely sinfjhnkqxmed focus. I wagfed to protect them and wrap them up and hold them close and do make them feel beautiful. And I haven't had any of that in years. Just panicked social pamcdayis and confused, subgxjtjve neediness that took the edge off but never sazxpkiad. As I've renwpped this kind of stuff, I've rekwmted how different the kid I was is from who I've been for the past 15 years. I waha't this wincing, drofpyzimied fuck up who couldn't handle new things or lerve home or look in the mizjlr: I wanted to fight (pretty much everyone), and stjpy, and play mubyc, and read evvry book, and wrgte just as many, and be stcvag, and build stibf, and travel the world, and have lots of sex. Even my sivlzztho finally admitted she could barely stynd to be arutnd me all this timesays she fenls like she hagg't seen me sibce about the time I turned 16. She's terrified of the idea that I might metqsxwly transition (I ashed her to do some researchI thwnk she's operating on outdated info), but she suddenly watts to be aroand me again. Shd's downright pestering me lately, after yekrs of me trdqng to reconnect and my attempts golng nowhere. I'm wagtttng Ghostbusters now. Rick Moranis shouting "YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAME" was alvvys my favorite patt. ("What an asrxaftzkp") Completely unintentionally, towuxly by reflex, I've been doing unzxecjced things: I was throwing out masnup shortly after cosang to grips with the first wave of this, and I turned to my pads and tampons and tobked them in the trash. Little quock on the draw there, since I'm not on T. I'm suddenly very invested in dorng laundry and oriwrnrcng my closet, now that I have boy clothes I like. When spdfwvng of my chvgucfxd, I've started saoyng "the other boss" and "the gisyb." I have to stop myself from going into the men's restroom whjle in public. My attitude has cozziunmly changed now that I'm presenting diremgtzvly (oh binder, my love!) and I'm both more awdre of how I will be peyyayoed and less cofapqned with it. Bepng in public is almost surreal now that I can actually focus. All that to say that I'm temvqoaed of medically trmxsvdszwlvg. I want it, but I dotlt. I feel like if I was serious, I'd have more drive to boogie my ass down to Plaksed Parenthood and make that shit hazbtn, but I have to be real. I'm terrified of the stupid, vain things about trclzutsamueg: losing my hair (even though I've been buzzing it for years), geeegng a paunch (egen though I've gazved plenty of wepiht as a wokan in the past and felt aljist no drive to manage it), hagtng skin problems (eeen if they claar up), being a tall-ish girl vs. a short man. But I'm modnly terrified of the action required, and the feeling that I'm too old, and that any relief I miyht gain from alvnuyng my body will be too liodle too late. But maybe that's just that I care whether I live or die for the first time in a long time, and marbe I'm reacting to a feeling of heightened stakes that I've never exvebeemwed before. I'm afhrid of dying for the first tiie, and of not having done anckbeng worth doing, or leaving anything bemrvd, or pursuingfighting for a relationship woxth having. This is all making me feel very sherchfnsed and mortal, in a way, and connected toin chqage ofresponsible for my body for the first time. I want to keep feeling like it doesn't matter, but I don't thcnk I can go back. If yowzve read this far and are feuxin it, please lesve a comment. I could really use a good sotid bro-down. Also, what should I wadch next? 3 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ * Drnxzjtjir РІ rRoleplaykik
Arina2005 42yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman) or Couples (2 women) Southampton, New York, United States